Amanda's Twists

my little promises, to myself

2008-09-03T09:22:00.000-07:00

1. nothing devastating is going to happen. just deal. stop living in fear. people come, peole go.
2. smile coz you deserve to. to be happy, to be loved, to be accepted.
3. you are dependent on yourself. do something, darn it.
4. learn to let go, pains dont have to be relived. pictures can be hidden, bridges can be burnt.
5. its not the body's fault. stop punishing it already.
6. you have it, just.. stop looking, stop worrying. just be.

Should I?

2008-08-21T08:33:00.000-07:00

I'm at crossroads now.
On one hand, the desire to finish university quickly, and "get on with life" already.

On the other, time to just.. be. away from it all, to find out who I am, why I'm so unsettled.

Going with the flow makes me sad, because the person I am.. I don't like. And I want things to change.

Much needed gap year?

Or impulsive decision AGAIN?

stuff

2008-08-15T00:14:00.001-07:00

Change of template: weeeh. I’ve always wanted something less bland, but just never knew how to go about changing html codes and stuff. Well, I still don’t. but there are pre-designed templates out there, so here we go: my own cut-and-paste J

Roger Federer lost!!! To something something Blake! Like wtf.. I didn’t have to patience to watch the entire game (tennis is so slooooow) but from the little I saw, wah what happened to Federer la? Either he’s lost form, or this blake dude just played the match of his life..
Tennis men’s singles is like cursed. No top 5 player has won the Olympic gold since 88.. aiyo. And Serena Williams crashed out from the singles too (another game I didn’t have the patience to watch..). heartbreaking la.

Oooh I’ve just tried these apple crisps from green tree. The ingredient list boast fresh fuji apples and… maybe traces of sulphite? Hehe.. I guess what this means is that the crisps are not fried and not preserved, simply cut from apples and dried.
I’ve tasted them, quite good! At 100 calories per 25 g, quite guilt free too.

The downside: damn expensive. At more than RM6 per 25g can, it makes you wonder if : its so free of everything, shouldn’t it cost less?
Jusco was selling it at a discount, but I don’t have a jusco card… “shrugs”

I’m currently on the lookout for stuff that I can munch on when I’m bored, so I wont have to deprive myself and go on binges later .. seaweed, oat cookies, mint.

It’ll all pay off….

I feel like getting a tattoo, more piercings, more laser treatments on my skin, curling my hair, dye-ing my hair, multiple shopping trips. And sometimes I do stop to wonder: do I want these things genuinely, or to cover up for the inadequacies I feel inside? Is this my own way of solving problems? And what if I run out of cash to do these stuff (which I am).. where do I run then? Oh well.

But are you still one? or have I driven you away?

2008-08-07T07:35:00.000-07:00

I have seen peace. I have seen pain,
Resting on the shoulders of your name.
Do you see the truth through all their lies?
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.
Lived to see a lover's final breath.
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel a fright?
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?
And if you want to talk about it once again,
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.
You're a friend.

You and I have lived through many things.
I'll hold on to your heart.
I wouldn't cry for anything,
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.
Seen the look of anger on your face.
And if you want to talk about what will be,
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.
And if you want to talk about it anymore,
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,
Once again.
Cry on my shoulder,
I'm a friend.

Move

2008-08-01T09:10:00.000-07:00

Hehehe. I lost: 1.4 kg this one week.

I think it's cause aside from watching my food (with a few exceptions), I stepped up my cardio intensity.

I'm reminded of why I could go to the gym so diligently last year. Working out for me is simply a matter of building momentum: once you start, it's easy to keep going. But stop and it's so hard to start again. Because the rush of endorphins, the top-of-the-world feeling, is easily forgotten. All one remembers is the time spent, the sweat, the mental strength of pushing yourself when the stop button is very well within reach.

I tried this drink recently (during one of my "exception" moments :)) It's basically just iced milo with liberal amounts of powdered milo on top. It was delicious! the powdered milo, when mixed with liquid, crystallizes and you get little lumps of crunchy yummyness.

Time passes by fast at work when I'm busy. I think even when I have not much to do, just being in the office calms me. I stop over-analysing my life, I stop getting paranoid about stuff. what will be will be. I'll get through it.

I was stuck in a rut for pretty much the whole first-year, now looking back, I was just scared. I didn't know who I was, where I stood. And truth is, I still don't. But, at least, I'll move. I'm moving.

musings

2008-07-27T07:06:00.000-07:00

I can't upload any pics online. mildly annoying.
this trying to lose weight thing right, goes beyond just numbers and measurements.
It's deeper.
It's my believe that things would be better, if only i were this weight and not that.
stupid i know. i cant stop still.
but when i do reach there, what if things aren't?
well at least i know i've tried, there wouldn't be any more what ifs.

from the office:

2008-07-25T00:19:00.000-07:00

Can’t read what’s I’m writing now as I’m at the office, i delibrately set the font small : p
Don’t want to get caught blogging
There’s nothing I can do now anyway

So. My weight loss plans.
I’m not going to be that haphazard anymore. I’m going to chart what I’m doing and eating, and match that to my results (if any) to find out what I’m doing right or wrong.
I found out that I lost 3kgs the last time I weighed myself, which was last week.
Today’s the moment of truth again, haha

Every Friday is casual day here, so we get to wear jeans and t-shirt, I’m wearing my tightest pair of jeans every week, and see if it gets progressively loose.

I’m not obsessed or anything la, though I find all this quite fun, actually.
And I’ve recently started joining the fitness first exercise classes (thanks Sherlene!)

So.. dah 3kg. Quite the excited to see how much, if any, weight I’ve lost.

I still have a long way to go I know, (I wanna loose about 10- 12kgs), but every little step counts right?

Wish me luck!

Oh btw, the unagi at mid-valley’soh sushi is super super nice… not slimy at all. Must try must try. the best i've had.

And pavillion’s forever 21 is AMAZING. It’s like every little girl’s toyland. They even have separate “rooms” for accessories, lingerie, etc. just spent my lunchhour there. Shall lose weight and save money first before buying.
(I’m on this very noble plan to not spend so much money, I’m gonna spend bout half my lunch money (I’m assuming it’s bout 10 ringgit a day), and save the rest for shopping. Not much la, but still better than nothing right? And I’ll treasure thest uff I buy

Sucks to type and not be able to see what I’m typing

bah. its all bout me

2008-07-17T07:50:00.000-07:00

i'm so tired i cant write in sentences now. i wish i had more stuff to do at work. and i am so relieved at my results. i wanna lose (more)weight. i'm a bit pissed right now, because i see how people can be inherently self-centred asses. like how u ask them to make a phone call for u coz your phone's dying and you're stranded and they behave like its the biggest trouble in the world. i've been wrong lately, only coz being right always meant faking it. i've let it all lose, and i dont regret it, because it wouldnt be fair otherwise. and i'm afraid. i'm afraid of everything. i'm afraid of how i'll react to situations, even at work. i'm afraid of myself, gosh

:)

2008-07-05T12:34:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow, I will think. Tomorrow I will overthink. I will wonder where and why I went wrong, I will scrutinize everything to death.

Now I say to hell with it all,

Today I am fine.

Words

2008-06-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

~~I wish words could carry along all that I feel, that the previous words have no impact, that what matters isnow.~~

Today for the first time in a long time, I meant the "I'm sorry". I didn't say it because it would make things right, because I should have. I said it because, without thinking, just purely, truthfully, I was sorry.

~~I don't think he could have known.~~

FUCK IT LA

I AM NOT FUCKING WRONG
TO HELL WITH THE WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU WHY ARE YOU SO MOODY
What, everything also has to do with my moodyness?

I had 2 trips lined out, on 2 consecutive weeks. None really confirmed. And the first one was originally planned for next tuesday. On FRIDAY, it was STILL not confirmed. then I found out the first trip was postponed to the following week, and even THAT couldn't be confirmed.

This means, that my second trip would have to be cancelled, as it was already too late to move it forward a week.

And if the first trip doesn't work out, I would have TWO WEEKS with nothing to do. TWO WEEKS in which i originally planned to travel. STUCK AT HOME WITH NOTHING TO DO.

So I wasn't that enthusiastic about the first trip, I do so despise people taking my time for granted like this.

BUT NO, I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO FEEL BAD, WHO HAD TO A APOLOGIZE, WHO HAD TO GET THE "WHATEVER LA I'M GOING TO BED BYE" message.

I was so weak, simply because things are bad enough between us, and I didn't want to make things worse. But enough is enough. I TRY LIKE SHIT OK? AND IT'S NOT EASY.

And you know what drives me? MEMORIES. Of what I thought I've messed up. And how things used to be different. How I want it all back, how it's all my fault.

WHY IS IT THAT I USED TO DO NO WRONG, BUT AM LIKE THE BIGGEST FUGLIEST BITCH NOW?

I don't see a way out.

I love cleansing!

2008-06-22T11:23:00.000-07:00

One of the first things I spent on in Malaysia this time round, is this:

(http://www.shuuemura-usa.com/Products/ProductDetails.aspx?CategoryID=1011&ProductID=953)

From the Shu Uemura USA website:

a refreshing, radiance-enhancing skin purifier that thoroughly cleanses the skin while respecting its integral balance. Removes waterproof makeup.

I really was sorta walking around aimlessly that day, and Shu Uemura happened to have some promotion thingy on their falsies. I told the sales girl that I wasn't interested in them, and she recommended this to me.
I really was quite skeptical la, having had enough experience with beauty products that don't work. But the demo the girl gave me was quite encouraging, seeing how all traces of the lipstick mark she had drawn on the back of my hand vanished after the wash.

But it's quite wasteful also though, she told me to use FOUR full pumps when I have make-up on, and three when I don't. I can hardly contain all that oil in my hand.. And at RM99 for 150 ml, it's certainly not economical.
I've lowered it down to like one pump when I have no make-up on, heeeh.

Overall I really like this. It really removes all make-up, which is crucial for me as I break-out like crazy if I don't remove foundation properly. I do, however, get the feeling that I cant remove all the cleanser even after repeated rinsing, but it doesn't break me out or anything (so far), and this cleanser does leave my skin soft, which makes make-up look much better.

Oh oh and I also really like the washing method, which involves putting the oil on, then slowly emulsifying it into a milk. Quite fun la, keeps me motivated to wash my face properly.

The best part is, I think the stubborn blackheads on my nose are clearing up!

Now I can slather on make-up like a geisha without worrying about removing later..

It's four in the morning

2008-06-17T13:17:00.000-07:00

i've started dieting and exercising. yea yea they say exercise keeps us healthy and boosts our energy levels, but seriously, the gyms wouldn't be so full if it weren't for the fact that everyone simply wants to look good. See any asparagous or beetroot restaurants anywhere? They're good for health also wat.. I hate the shallowness, but i've conformed to it.

It's annoying when people use "you think too much" as an answer to everything. It's worrisome when I don't know what's true and what's overthought anymore. and it's heartbreaking when i feel like what used to be right, what was my place, is slowly being replaced.

Huuuh feel like giving up and letting go. though it will hurt A LOT..

aiyah whatever la. I'll just focus on the bad and try to take it all back, try to not care. best thing to do, not like i have a choice. Sien already.

I HATE CHANGE!!

2008-06-11T16:31:00.001-07:00

It seems nowadays my life revolves around when I'm going back, how I feel before going back and after.. so predictable lol

Well. I don't know how to feel now about going back.. There's just so many things la. Firstly there's the internship that I paid 350 pounds for but is still "in the process".. i didn't know it would be so tedious.

Plus I just felt so out of place when i went for that internship preparation seminar in birmingham... And that was like 2 days and I went off after 1. I can't imagine what 8 weeks away would be like.
I wonder why that seminar was so shitty for me though.. I think my self-confidence has plummeted so much that the thought of meeting new people just terrifies me. What to do what to do I don't wanna waste that 350 pounds..

Then the fact that petrol price went up.. which means that i can't drive around so much. Maybe i'll just like follow my dad out every morning or something.

OH oh oh I found a nice little flat. It's not that near to school (about 25 minutes walk maybe?) and there's no direct bus or tube to school, but i'm quite excited about it actually. The condition, both inside the flat and in the common areas such as the lift, is great. Plus we don't have to pay over summer. Plus the rent includes all bills.. I would so hate to have to limit my bath time.

Gonna miss the Passfield people once we all move out though. It won't be so easy to hang out anymore. I guess it all depends on how much effort we put into keeping in touch with each other.

I just wish I could settle down, emotionally, somewhere comfortable for once, and be able to accept myself and the very obvious flaws, so that I can take on new challenges and grab hold of all the opportunities in front of me.

I don't remember

2008-06-06T05:45:00.000-07:00

My blog posts are extreme i know. i do try so very hard to suppress myself at times, and this is my outlet.I think I've slowly morphed back into THAT state again. The wake-up-with-a-sinking-heart-stare-into-space-at-random-times- feel-and-look-annoyed-without-reason state.

It takes effort for me to remember what I did yesterday. Because between yesterday and today, even though all I did was go home, watch a movie and sleep, so much more went on in my brain. I went to watch mamma mia, which was really good, and I had my first casino experience, which made me greedy.
All the while with my brain moving so fast I can't even keep up.

You who don't get it dismiss me as simplistic. You who come up with simple ideas don't get it, do you? So I've shut down. I don't think anyone cares enough to fully understand, to bear with me and hear me till the end. And they don't have to, my well-being is my responsibility alone.

And I do try ok? It's just that... I feel so out of place, so abnormal, so lame, so loser-ish. and it's because of my stupid expectations, stupid dreams, stupid ego, who can't accept the person I've become. Not being accepted by others is not as bad as this, because you can choose to be alone and away from judgement. I can't choose to separate my judgements, from the rest of me.

I don't want one la...

so annoying

2008-05-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

People say,
LOSE WEIGHT
then dapat bf

I used to say,
screw it
what happened to not judging books by their cover
what happened to picking substance over form

Now I say,
maybe it doesn't happen that way
maybe people don't come runnong along loving you for who you are
since i don't too
maybe i've believed in the shallowness of it all
but deep down it depresses me
coz there's still a part of me,
that believes that Cinderalla's ugly sister, deserves to love and be loved too

annoying la.

Songs and memories

2008-05-11T08:18:00.000-07:00

Photograph-Nickelback
I was driving along Federal, this song was playing on the radio. It stuck, I memorised part of the lyrics, and searched it online.

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Little did I know then how inept I am at saying goodbye

Canonball - Damien Rice
I was in Malaysia, doing my EH essay in front of my desktop at some ridiculous hour, as I was still severely jet-lagged. Damien Rice's songs were before this just another one of those that I never really liked. I wasn't really paying attention, but somehow I "awoke" when this played :

there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
there’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed

A dam deep inside me broke, I was, for the first time in a long while, in touch with my emotions.

When you're gone - Avril Lavigne
Grossly overplayed song, but at that time it did fit how I was feeling

When you walk away I count the steps that you take

WTF so emo

Fighter - Christina Aguilera
I fell in love with this song looong after it came out.. like sometime last year?

For some reason whenever I listen to this song now, I am reminded of the time Tink, Kael-li and I were walking from the main building to the SAM block in Taylors, and we were all gushing about how much we liked that album.

If I were to head some pro-feminism movement, I would play this song like over and over again.
This song and survivor..

I bruise easily - Natasha Bedingfield
I saw the music video of this song while working out at the gym and really liked it.
So simple, so sweet, so real.

Untitled - Simple Plan
We were on the train back from Ashford, Hui Ying, Ee Vien and I were each listening to this song on our Ipods at the same time, while pretending to be deep, dark, over-emo goth kids. Heheheee..

This I promise you - N Sync
I was 14, and I would stay up till LATE at night surfing MTV, just so I could watch the music video of this song once more. I loved loved loved this song.

That time don't know got youtube yet ma.. or maybe it didn't even exist then.

The Call - Backstreet Boys
For some reason the music video scared me. I actually feared for the boys.. i was like.. RUN! RUN! Don't let her kill you!!

I don't understand myself sometimes.

Tong Hua - Guang Liang
Hehe.. It was at some prefect camp, and we were singing this song at the end. Later on, I sang this song so often, and so horribly, that my classmates were like.. SHUT UP!!!

Qian Li Zhi Wai - Jay Chou Feat. Fei Yu Ching
I chanced upon this song on MTV, and I really really liked Fei Yu Ching's voice. The dude can sing. Especially compared to Jay.

*need to get started on econs now*

I miss you

2008-05-04T12:04:00.000-07:00

I'm missing someone now. He's still nearby, he could be here in an instant, but it wouldn't matter. Because even if he's by my side, I would still be missing him. I guess I would rather be here alone, than sit there constantly being reminded of what we used to have, what we are now.

It's not that I have problems saying no. I have problems saying no, and then not wishing I had said otherwise

Did you not mean what you said? he asked.
Or was it all out of sympathy?

How do I tell him that I meant it all, and so much more,
But I am so so so tired.
Talk is cheap to us now.

Hence here I am, walking around with a hole gaping where he used to be, not because it has to be like this, but because I want it to be. Because it would hurt more otherwise, because I have little more in me to face it all.

I never thought I would miss someone by choice.

Shit matters

2008-04-22T22:28:00.001-07:00

People close to me (veeeeeeery close) would know how severely constipated I am. I used to eat so much papaya (not coz I want bigger boobs la), my palms turned yellow due to the overload of Vitamin A.

=

Drawing saya cantik kan?

My longest record without going is something like 10 days, sometime during A-levels.

So.. during desperate times, I would turn to laxatives, and today for some reason I wanna talk bout them : )

First I went for chemical laxatives, those in pill form that can be bought over the counter. They were effective, veeery, but it was really tiring. I could feel my bowels being forcibly cleaned, which was akin to scrubbing a silk cloth with a hard-bristled brush. Since using the pills would cause overdependence (lazy bowels), I switched to other alternatives.

Then, I read about TruDtox tea in the papers. Marketed as a natural herbal laxative, I decided to give it a try.

It tastes not bad, really. And it feels gentle.What's going on inside I won't know though.

The problem is.. It is too expensive to be taken frequently. An individual sachet used to sell
for like RM5.90, now I think they're selling them only in bulk.. close to RM30 for 5..

Assuming I take one every 2-3 days, that's like more than RM 30 in two weeks. Tsk tsk tsk..

Later on, I found this tea from China, it's imported through Cosway here.

Introducing Lite Tea, from Oriyen.

Sounds dodgy I know, but it's really quite okla. The ingredients consist of herbs like mulberry and pine leaf, and it smells really woody.
It's a bit harsher than TruDtox, like I wake up in the morning just to go to the toilet, and it makes me go like twice to three times a day.
But it's getting better now that my body's sorta used to it.
I can get it at a cheaper price than TruDtox.
Best part is, I think I lost weight since taking it : )

So yea. There you go. The lengths I go to to shit.

Oooh banyak nak cakap

2008-04-21T09:37:00.000-07:00

Gosh there's so much that I wanna blog about!!

First
I surprisingly cant wait to go back to the UK.
I was just telling si Benny, when we're back it's as if we run away from our life over there. That everything hits a pause button.
It was liberating at first, now it's just not practical la.

This trip back has been really quite fun though! made lots of friends. Hazel, Eng Hong, Woon Soong, Wei Kuan, Ai Vern, Yvonne...Got to know entirely different lifestyles, drove A LOT.
Reconnected with old friends

Second
I need to be NORMAL

I know that many stereotypes abound. And that we should just be ourselves, not conform to anyone's rules, and people will love us for that and if they don't they're not worth it yadda yadda yadda

But the more I get to know people, people my age, people of the same educational background, indentifiable upbringing
and they tell me stories bout their lives
I go

What's wrong with me ha?

People my age date, they have serious relationships, mindless flings, ups and downs

I don't need a boyfriend la.
Just that having one, would once and for all, validate myself to myself (if that makes any sense) that there is indeed nothing lacking in me, that I'm just like any normal 20 year old.

sad hor?

Third
As I go through lecture notes, I think to myself
This is not so hard after all
Why didn't I bother trying to learn throughout the 20 weeks of term time that has passed?

Fourth
I'm not together with Benny. We're close , nothing more, nothing less
he is so. nice. to me
Though the dude seems determined that I lose weight
And proceeds to show EVERYONE my before UK and after photos
And they'll go like "what happened?"
then he's happy.

Frankly, he does make me insecure (see second). Girlfriends, flings, it's so easy for him!!!!! How am I different?

Aside from that awesome friend he is.

Fifth
Sometimes I don't understand why we don't hang out.
Sometimes I do.
To Kael-li and Yen Tink
I miss the bond we had
I hope it's still there
I miss you.

Honesty

2008-03-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

Here goes

I'm walking past all our old hangout places.
Now, feels like it wasn't me. Like it was another person.
Huge chunks of emotions, now are just fleeting moments.
I'm not looking for a replacement. I'm looking to just.. feel.

No I'm not stronger, better, hotter.

Clothes, image, food, money, shoes, parents, responsibility, achievements, friends.
Stuff that used to mean. Stuff that should mean.

I feel empty, like a shell.
I can put the past behind, I can't ignore its effects.
I know it's not what I do, or where I am.
It's me, me, me. All inside of me.

It's all so... uninspiring.
Movies where the people I'm with bawl their hearts out watching, I feel.. nothing.

They say dreams are a privilege for those with opportunities..
I have so many opportunities
Yet so few dreams.

I'm fine, more than fine.
For I can make myself think a certain way, behave the way I should.
If only I could make myself feel how I want to.

Like I said, a shell.

I'm sorry I'm such a horribly self-centred daughter/friend/person.
But the emptiness drowns, really.
Sometimes I think unconsciously, I choose to stay down.
Knowing what's out there, I've simply retreated.

I just loved. that's all I did.
That's all I hope now I hadn't done.

Jet laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag

2008-03-19T09:29:00.000-07:00

Before moving overseas, I've always underestimated the impact that jet lag has on my sleeping patterns. Now, it's okay when you're studying or working or have SOME sort of commitment, coz then you'd be forced to wake up in the morning, and though through one or two days you'd be really really tired, you'd be able to sleep at night and wake up in the morning refreshed.

Buuut.. when I take 15 hour "naps" one day and 2 hours of sleep the next day.. ooooooh. Things get baaad.

The tiredness I've been feeling this few days, is something I rarely rarely involuntarily go through. I can literally feel my brain shutting down, my legs dragging itself, my emotions running wild with peaks of highs and lows..

ARRRGH
ARRGH

Actually I wanted to blog about something different, then I realised that it all could be because of jet lag, so might as well just whine about it.

GO AWAY JET LAG.

I WANT TO SLEEP.

NORMALLY.

Home sweet home

2008-03-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

Ahhh...

I wish that for certain aspects of my life, I could pick up where I left off.. the first time I left.
This weird feeling when I'm back at home.. I don't quite know how to describe
It's like something's missing, like a part of me wants my old life back
Then I feel like now's not that bad too.

I have to undergo intense revision now

No more excuses

Might as well la, was getting kinda bored.

*nerd*

When I appreciate

2008-03-12T18:31:00.000-07:00

I rarely rarely enjoy my lectures nowadays.. with the exception of Economic History. This is one course I don't regret taking, simply because the lecturer (Tim Leunig) is so. awesome. And also cause the course contend is similar to that of A-levels macroeconomics, unlike the formula-graph-makesmyheadspin-thingy we call Economics here.

This week we were looking at the East Asian economic miracle. Leunig painted a rather optimistic picture of us, unlike when he did China or South Africa. At the same time, he too pointed out some weaknesses of our economic model, and guess which country he pin-pointed?

Heheheee..

Anyway.. He was talking bout how KLIA looks amazing compared to crap Heathrow (which really IS crap compared to KLIA, though still functional nonetheless), but how KLIA is severely underused, demonstrating severe misallocation of funds.

Now instead of being anti-government and pretending to be a harsh poilitical critic the way I'm sometimes inclined to be, all I felt was... pride.

Pride that someone so accomplished would know so much about my country..
And also appreciation that at least when we waste money, we waste it on something pretty and worth being proud about.

Maybe it's all those years of being brainwashed by The Star, but I'm always inclined to think..

Things are not so bad la.

I've never stopped believing in Malaysia. And right now, no matter how attractive the thought of living in Britain later is, I don't doubt that I will eventually return.

It's not perfect, I can deal, I can help work on that. I won't run away. At least not for long.

Malaysia is where my heart is.

The move

2008-03-12T18:12:00.001-07:00

I've wanted to move from Xanga since forever.. Just that I've never had time to. Or rather, I never was in the mood.

So here I am now..

The old blog was never a place that reflected myself. It was more "if I write this will so and so think I'm an egocentric basketcase" and "this has to be funny. Ok it's not, let's load it with pictures then"

This time,
I plan to be honest.
Yes I care if you judge. But I fear that if I never let my guard down, I might eventually lose track of who I am in the first place. Which would suck, cause.. it took me a LOT to understand and accept myself better. I don't wanna go down that track again.

lalalalalaaaaa...