Wednesday, 19 March 2008

Here goes

I'm walking past all our old hangout places.
Now, feels like it wasn't me. Like it was another person.
Huge chunks of emotions, now are just fleeting moments.
I'm not looking for a replacement. I'm looking to just.. feel.

No I'm not stronger, better, hotter.

Clothes, image, food, money, shoes, parents, responsibility, achievements, friends.
Stuff that used to mean. Stuff that should mean.

I feel empty, like a shell.
I can put the past behind, I can't ignore its effects.
I know it's not what I do, or where I am.
It's me, me, me. All inside of me.

It's all so... uninspiring.
Movies where the people I'm with bawl their hearts out watching, I feel.. nothing.

They say dreams are a privilege for those with opportunities..
I have so many opportunities
Yet so few dreams.

I'm fine, more than fine.
For I can make myself think a certain way, behave the way I should.
If only I could make myself feel how I want to.

Like I said, a shell.

I'm sorry I'm such a horribly self-centred daughter/friend/person.
But the emptiness drowns, really.
Sometimes I think unconsciously, I choose to stay down.
Knowing what's out there, I've simply retreated.

I just loved. that's all I did.
That's all I hope now I hadn't done.

The Winter Season Arrived on 13:50;

Before moving overseas, I've always underestimated the impact that jet lag has on my sleeping patterns. Now, it's okay when you're studying or working or have SOME sort of commitment, coz then you'd be forced to wake up in the morning, and though through one or two days you'd be really really tired, you'd be able to sleep at night and wake up in the morning refreshed.

Buuut.. when I take 15 hour "naps" one day and 2 hours of sleep the next day.. ooooooh. Things get baaad.

The tiredness I've been feeling this few days, is something I rarely rarely involuntarily go through. I can literally feel my brain shutting down, my legs dragging itself, my emotions running wild with peaks of highs and lows..

ARRRGH
ARRGH

Actually I wanted to blog about something different, then I realised that it all could be because of jet lag, so might as well just whine about it.

GO AWAY JET LAG.

I WANT TO SLEEP.

NORMALLY.

The Winter Season Arrived on 09:29;

Monday, 17 March 2008

Ahhh...

I wish that for certain aspects of my life, I could pick up where I left off.. the first time I left.
This weird feeling when I'm back at home.. I don't quite know how to describe
It's like something's missing, like a part of me wants my old life back
Then I feel like now's not that bad too.

I have to undergo intense revision now

No more excuses

Might as well la, was getting kinda bored.

*nerd*

The Winter Season Arrived on 08:56;

Wednesday, 12 March 2008

I rarely rarely enjoy my lectures nowadays.. with the exception of Economic History. This is one course I don't regret taking, simply because the lecturer (Tim Leunig) is so. awesome. And also cause the course contend is similar to that of A-levels macroeconomics, unlike the formula-graph-makesmyheadspin-thingy we call Economics here.

This week we were looking at the East Asian economic miracle. Leunig painted a rather optimistic picture of us, unlike when he did China or South Africa. At the same time, he too pointed out some weaknesses of our economic model, and guess which country he pin-pointed?

Heheheee..

Anyway.. He was talking bout how KLIA looks amazing compared to crap Heathrow (which really IS crap compared to KLIA, though still functional nonetheless), but how KLIA is severely underused, demonstrating severe misallocation of funds.

Now instead of being anti-government and pretending to be a harsh poilitical critic the way I'm sometimes inclined to be, all I felt was... pride.

Pride that someone so accomplished would know so much about my country..
And also appreciation that at least when we waste money, we waste it on something pretty and worth being proud about.

Maybe it's all those years of being brainwashed by The Star, but I'm always inclined to think..

Things are not so bad la.

I've never stopped believing in Malaysia. And right now, no matter how attractive the thought of living in Britain later is, I don't doubt that I will eventually return.

It's not perfect, I can deal, I can help work on that. I won't run away. At least not for long.

Malaysia is where my heart is.

Labels: Home

The Winter Season Arrived on 18:31;

I've wanted to move from Xanga since forever.. Just that I've never had time to. Or rather, I never was in the mood.

So here I am now..

The old blog was never a place that reflected myself. It was more "if I write this will so and so think I'm an egocentric basketcase" and "this has to be funny. Ok it's not, let's load it with pictures then"

This time,
I plan to be honest.
Yes I care if you judge. But I fear that if I never let my guard down, I might eventually lose track of who I am in the first place. Which would suck, cause.. it took me a LOT to understand and accept myself better. I don't wanna go down that track again.

lalalalalaaaaa...

Labels: Me

The Winter Season Arrived on 18:12;