Friday, 27 June 2008

I wish words could carry along all that I feel, that the previous words have no impact, that what matters isnow.

Today for the first time in a long time, I meant the "I'm sorry". I didn't say it because it would make things right, because I should have. I said it because, without thinking, just purely, truthfully, I was sorry.

I don't think he could have known.


FUCK IT LA

I AM NOT FUCKING WRONG
TO HELL WITH THE WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU WHY ARE YOU SO MOODY
What, everything also has to do with my moodyness?

I had 2 trips lined out, on 2 consecutive weeks. None really confirmed. And the first one was originally planned for next tuesday. On FRIDAY, it was STILL not confirmed. then I found out the first trip was postponed to the following week, and even THAT couldn't be confirmed.

This means, that my second trip would have to be cancelled, as it was already too late to move it forward a week.

And if the first trip doesn't work out, I would have TWO WEEKS with nothing to do. TWO WEEKS in which i originally planned to travel. STUCK AT HOME WITH NOTHING TO DO.

So I wasn't that enthusiastic about the first trip, I do so despise people taking my time for granted like this.

BUT NO, I WAS THE ONE WHO HAD TO FEEL BAD, WHO HAD TO A APOLOGIZE, WHO HAD TO GET THE "WHATEVER LA I'M GOING TO BED BYE" message.

I was so weak, simply because things are bad enough between us, and I didn't want to make things worse. But enough is enough. I TRY LIKE SHIT OK? AND IT'S NOT EASY.

And you know what drives me? MEMORIES. Of what I thought I've messed up. And how things used to be different. How I want it all back, how it's all my fault.

WHY IS IT THAT I USED TO DO NO WRONG, BUT AM LIKE THE BIGGEST FUGLIEST BITCH NOW?

I don't see a way out.

The Winter Season Arrived on 13:48;

Sunday, 22 June 2008

One of the first things I spent on in Malaysia this time round, is this:



(http://www.shuuemura-usa.com/Products/ProductDetails.aspx?CategoryID=1011&ProductID=953)

From the Shu Uemura USA website:

a refreshing, radiance-enhancing skin purifier that thoroughly cleanses the skin while respecting its integral balance. Removes waterproof makeup.

I really was sorta walking around aimlessly that day, and Shu Uemura happened to have some promotion thingy on their falsies. I told the sales girl that I wasn't interested in them, and she recommended this to me.
I really was quite skeptical la, having had enough experience with beauty products that don't work. But the demo the girl gave me was quite encouraging, seeing how all traces of the lipstick mark she had drawn on the back of my hand vanished after the wash.

But it's quite wasteful also though, she told me to use FOUR full pumps when I have make-up on, and three when I don't. I can hardly contain all that oil in my hand.. And at RM99 for 150 ml, it's certainly not economical.
I've lowered it down to like one pump when I have no make-up on, heeeh.

Overall I really like this. It really removes all make-up, which is crucial for me as I break-out like crazy if I don't remove foundation properly. I do, however, get the feeling that I cant remove all the cleanser even after repeated rinsing, but it doesn't break me out or anything (so far), and this cleanser does leave my skin soft, which makes make-up look much better.

Oh oh and I also really like the washing method, which involves putting the oil on, then slowly emulsifying it into a milk. Quite fun la, keeps me motivated to wash my face properly.

The best part is, I think the stubborn blackheads on my nose are clearing up!

Now I can slather on make-up like a geisha without worrying about removing later..

The Winter Season Arrived on 11:23;

Tuesday, 17 June 2008

i've started dieting and exercising. yea yea they say exercise keeps us healthy and boosts our energy levels, but seriously, the gyms wouldn't be so full if it weren't for the fact that everyone simply wants to look good. See any asparagous or beetroot restaurants anywhere? They're good for health also wat.. I hate the shallowness, but i've conformed to it.

It's annoying when people use "you think too much" as an answer to everything. It's worrisome when I don't know what's true and what's overthought anymore. and it's heartbreaking when i feel like what used to be right, what was my place, is slowly being replaced.

Huuuh feel like giving up and letting go. though it will hurt A LOT..

aiyah whatever la. I'll just focus on the bad and try to take it all back, try to not care. best thing to do, not like i have a choice. Sien already.



I HATE CHANGE!!

The Winter Season Arrived on 13:17;

Wednesday, 11 June 2008

It seems nowadays my life revolves around when I'm going back, how I feel before going back and after.. so predictable lol

Well. I don't know how to feel now about going back.. There's just so many things la. Firstly there's the internship that I paid 350 pounds for but is still "in the process".. i didn't know it would be so tedious.

Plus I just felt so out of place when i went for that internship preparation seminar in birmingham... And that was like 2 days and I went off after 1. I can't imagine what 8 weeks away would be like.
I wonder why that seminar was so shitty for me though.. I think my self-confidence has plummeted so much that the thought of meeting new people just terrifies me. What to do what to do I don't wanna waste that 350 pounds..

Then the fact that petrol price went up.. which means that i can't drive around so much. Maybe i'll just like follow my dad out every morning or something.

OH oh oh I found a nice little flat. It's not that near to school (about 25 minutes walk maybe?) and there's no direct bus or tube to school, but i'm quite excited about it actually. The condition, both inside the flat and in the common areas such as the lift, is great. Plus we don't have to pay over summer. Plus the rent includes all bills.. I would so hate to have to limit my bath time.

Gonna miss the Passfield people once we all move out though. It won't be so easy to hang out anymore. I guess it all depends on how much effort we put into keeping in touch with each other.

I just wish I could settle down, emotionally, somewhere comfortable for once, and be able to accept myself and the very obvious flaws, so that I can take on new challenges and grab hold of all the opportunities in front of me.

The Winter Season Arrived on 16:31;

Friday, 6 June 2008

My blog posts are extreme i know. i do try so very hard to suppress myself at times, and this is my outlet.I think I've slowly morphed back into THAT state again. The wake-up-with-a-sinking-heart-stare-into-space-at-random-times- feel-and-look-annoyed-without-reason state.

It takes effort for me to remember what I did yesterday. Because between yesterday and today, even though all I did was go home, watch a movie and sleep, so much more went on in my brain. I went to watch mamma mia, which was really good, and I had my first casino experience, which made me greedy.
All the while with my brain moving so fast I can't even keep up.

You who don't get it dismiss me as simplistic. You who come up with simple ideas don't get it, do you? So I've shut down. I don't think anyone cares enough to fully understand, to bear with me and hear me till the end. And they don't have to, my well-being is my responsibility alone.

And I do try ok? It's just that... I feel so out of place, so abnormal, so lame, so loser-ish. and it's because of my stupid expectations, stupid dreams, stupid ego, who can't accept the person I've become. Not being accepted by others is not as bad as this, because you can choose to be alone and away from judgement. I can't choose to separate my judgements, from the rest of me.

I don't want one la...

The Winter Season Arrived on 05:45;